Was It Written In the Stars?

Last year's astrological forecast was dropped into my lap

Things besides books come through the library book drop all the time: bookmarks, family photos, grocery lists, a disturbing amount of tissues. A lot of time people have personal books they want to get rid of, so they drop them in the slot and walk away. (PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY.)

A bunch of such discarded personal books fell into the drop the other day, among them: “Astrology 2022: Capricorn.”

Guess who has two thumbs and is a Capricorn? This gal!

Here’s the thing. I don’t really DO astrology. BUT when the universe drops last year’s forecast in your lap for your specific astrological sign, you read it and see how accurate it was.

JANUARY

Overall: You’ll became aware of your spirituality and want to explore it. That’s a no.

Health: Don’t hesitate to do whatever is necessary to improve your health. This is interesting because I was struggling to find solutions for my sleep apnea and changing anti-anxiety meds, so this kinda checks out.

Work/Money: You are longing for something new, and you’ll get it! This also checks out. I got an editor for my memoir manuscript and also got interest from an agent.

FEBRUARY

Overall: You’ll realize material things don’t bring happiness and that you could invest your money elsewhere. This is actually when I bought a dental appliance for my sleep apnea which fixed my problem exponentially, so…yeah?

Health: Be careful not to infect those around you. This was another round of rising Covid cases, so…yeah?

Work/Money: You’ll have to take initiative, and this will work in your favor. I had been sitting on the idea of a basement office, and this was the month I actually made it for myself, so…yeah?

MARCH

Overall: Speak carefully but honestly if you want things to change. I am not even kidding, like every email to my best friend in the month of March talked about SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH. This is getting spooky.

Health: You’ll have to learn to let go and relax if you don’t want make yourself sick. I talked with my cousin about chakras during this month, which is kinda the same idea.

Work/Money: You will be happy in your new environment. I was/am happy to have my basement office.

APRIL

Overall: You’ll be tempted to buy a cottage out in nature. This didn’t happen THIS month, it was something we were already thinking about, and it’s April in Michigan, so OF COURSE we want to be outside. I’ll give this half credit.

Health: A silly accident could happen without warning. But it didn’t.

Work/Money: Your leadership and management skills will be put to good use. I don’t really have those, so they weren’t.

MAY

Overall: The time has come to invest in your home and do some renovations. We re-stained our kid’s playhouse. I don’t think that counts.

Health: Those extra pounds you’ve put on will bother you and you’ll want to lose them. Tell me something I DON’T know. No points for this.

Work/Money: You have some extra expenses this month. If you make some things yourself, such as homemade dishes, crafts, or handmade gifts, you’ll be able to save a lot. Um…what? No, I don’t do any of those things.

JUNE

Overall: Someone close to you will need support. Maybe?

Health: Try to avoid the sun. I didn’t. Nothing bad happened.

Work/Money: You’ll have to make up for for the unsatisfactory work of some of your colleagues. This holds water; we were short-staffed at the library last summer.

JULY

Overall: You’ll have an opportunity to join a group for a trip. You’ll have more fun than you thought possible. We did go to Alaska with my mom and her husband last July, and it was more fun than I thought possible. All the points on this one.

Health: Your health will be good this month. We actually got Covid after our cruise, so no points here.

Work/Money: Work will be slow this time of year and you won’t complain about it. My daughter was off from school and I didn’t do much writing because of it, but I gave myself permission for that ahead of time, so no, I didn’t complain. All the points on this one, too.

AUGUST

Overall: On vacation, you’ll make the most of your days and organize a lot of activities. The only vacation I went on last August was a writer’s conference, and luckily, the conference did all the organizing, so no.

Health: The good weather will inspire you to drink even more. You may feel the effects on your liver. Um…what?

Work/Money: You’ll enroll in a training program. Taking this initiative could pay off professionally. This is actually when someone approached me about scriptwriting. The pay-off is still TBD, but yeah, okay, they’re not wrong.

SEPTEMBER

Overall: You won’t be able to get back into your routine right away. I was working on a television show treatment, and so I was adopting a sort of new schedule. Counts?

Health: You are under stress and it will affect your whole body. There was weird stuff going on this month, most notably a bump under my tongue, and yeah, it was probably related to stress, so nice job on that one.

Work/Money: Work will go at breakneck speed and you’ll find it hard to keep up. I was writing that treatment nonstop, so this is 100% true.

OCTOBER

Overall: You’ll plan a fun Halloween party. Um, no, that is not something I would do. That is not something I have done in over a decade. I mean, if I planned it, it WOULD be fun, but I didn’t and I won’t.

Health: An old injury will bother you again. I suffered a disappointing rejection, which is definitely a recurring injury in its own way.

Work/Money: You’ll struggle at work but your colleagues will be there to lend you a hand. When I struggled with the television show, a writer friend helped me, so some points, sure.

NOVEMBER

Overall: You’ll want people to hear what you have to say about many topics. Far from freeing you, this will stress you out more than anything else. Gurl, when ISN’T this happening to me?

Health: Anxiety and stress will negatively affect your health. Gurl, when ISN’T this happening to me?

Work/Money: You may report a situation that is bothering you at work, and your way of doing so will not be appreciated. Yikes, glad this didn’t happen.

DECEMBER

Overall: You’ll be thinking more about spirituality and may attend a place of worship. See January.

Health: Your mood could stabilize and give you a bit of a break. During the holiday season? I don’t think so.

Work/Money: You’ll be encouraged to take some time off, as it will be clear that you’ll need it. That’s not very nice. But also, like I said, it’s the holiday season.

Am I any more convinced that astrology is for me? No. I was surprised by some on the spot-on predictions, but when they’re written so vaguely and I’m used to interpreting writing in multiple ways, I guess really anything can be massaged to be at least somewhat accurate. Still a fun, albeit timely experiment. Thanks, Universe!

Speaking of things found in the book drop, this cute little bookmark was left behind. Too bad, because it looks homemade. Reading is like a train ride, little tyke, wherever you are.

We were at my mother’s house over the Memorial Day holiday weekend, but before we got there, my brother sent me “HOW URGENTLY YOUR MOM NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU, BASED ON WHAT SHE SAID IN THE VOICEMAIL” by Talia Argondezzi. I don’t know if the title is entirely capitalized like that because that’s McSweeny’s style or because shouting seems to be the appropriate way to read the title. I’m going with the latter. They are all gold, and definitely all plausible in regards to my mother, but the one that rang the most true is this:

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie—nothing big going on, but call me back as soon as you can.”

Urgency: Dad and I are both dead. This voicemail is coming from heaven, where children never screen their mother’s calls and always answer on the first ring.

- Talia Argondezzi

Our chicken coop came last weekend! Our birds are (finally!) outside instead of our basement.

I read Karissa Venne’s “6 Things You Didn’t Know About Martha’s Vineyard” in Hippocampus’s newest issue, and I love how she fit so much into such a short essay. The structure of this is something to be admired. Check it out. You won’t be sorry.

Two years after my helicopter trip, I’d be back in Boston, body splayed on an operating table, intestines unspooled and snapped from the rest. Boil those intestines down and make me into a candle like the whales, please. I’d like to be useful. I’d like all of this to be worthwhile.

- Karssa Venne

What I’m Watching:

The series finale of Ted Lasso is cued on our television, so if you’ll excuse me, I must be off!

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